The anti-bride

Rob and I are going to get hitched.

That decision was made on January 30, 2008.

Its been discussed before, and I'm all for having a big party and am sure I will be with Rob for a very long time, indefinitely even. We've been together for almost 2 and 1/2 years and he can still put up with me, so I'd better hang onto him.

So now we've got to plan this party. I love the idea of the big party, and that's what I want to call it. We say some things to each other in front of tons of our friends and our families, then we have a rockin' outdoor music/food/beverage fiesta!

But its not so simple, and there aren't enough words in our lexicon to replace the conventional terms I'd rather not use. "Wedding" conjurs up the image of strapless dresses, French manicures, romantic soft music, teary-eyed mothers of the bride or groom, a charming blonde-ringleted girl sprinkling flower petals on a long carpet while stained glass church windows filter sunlight down on her flower-crowned head, tall perfectly coiffed white cakes and dance games like who's been married the longest?

I don't want ANY of that. I don't want to be called "bride" or "fiance" or call our party a "wedding". Its not that I'm scared of the commitment part of it, or even being linked for eternity (or at least for the next 50-60 years) to my Robert. No, its the traditional ideas that just turn me off.

The wedding industry is a scam. The money spent on these occasions is appalling. The amount of time and stress that are supposedly the "norm" is just not worth it. For fun, I googled some wedding invitation stuff to see if there are affordable, attractive, simple wedding invitations on recycled paper. Little did I know that I'm supposed to have about 16 pieces of paper PER guest over the course of the planning months. They all have to match. Save the date cards, invitations to the engagement party, actual wedding invitations, RSVP cards, envelopes for everything, thank you notes, labels for returns, labels for addresses, matching stamps, seals, pieces of paper to go BETWEEN each piece of paper, blah, blah, blah. Oh, and that's all about $5-6 per guest. We might be inviting 300 people to our party. Many of our guests are married or committed to other guests, so they'd just get one set of each but still- 300 x $5.50 is over $1600!!!!!

Do you know what I could do with $1600?!

Heck, Rob could own a car that runs for $1600. I could go to Asia for 3 weeks (by myself, sorry Rob we're not legally bound to each other yet).

We could get TWO great new computers. Or one really good computer AND a new state of the art camera. Plus carrying cases for both.

I could redo the electric in my kitchen.

We could donate that amount to HRC's work for marriage equality so that our gay friends who have been together 2-3 times as long as we can have the option of signing the same paperwork that we can and gaining the 1200 rights that we get from our dual signatures and a fee of under $40.

And that is the second reason I have a problem being a "bride" in a "wedding". Because I'm a girl and Rob's a boy, we get to call our party a "wedding". I don't want to, but I have the option. I'm uncomfortable signing a marriage license so the government will recognize our union, when I really don't CARE what the government thinks about my relationship and I sure don't like that they will choose to recognize mine when they won't recognize so many others'.

I'm not happy about it, but I've done my research and been swayed towards being more neutral about that marriage license business for myself. Since its important to Rob- very, very important in fact- and I've gained some understanding from my gay friends and Dan Savage, I'm probably going to sign on the line.

But instead of buying $80 pillows for our charming little ring bearer to carry our platinum, engraved $400 wedding bands down the flower-strewn aisle at our wedding/party, we're going to chuck some money HRC's way. And we'll ask our guests to do the same.

And then we're going to have a party.